"I have an idea" says a quivering voice, belonging to the man at the back. He is new at this company, or has recently been promoted. You can tell this, because his belt still has the holes punched in it by the shop. Unlike the other executives, whose wives punched the extra notches on their belts. The wives who sit at home, frustrated that the 'up-and-coming hunk' they once married now resembles Jabba the Hut. The wives who hire a gardener just so they can have sex, then starve their husbands of the one thing they married them for. Revenge is sweet.
She married for money, now she wants to be loved.
"Well what is it!!" booms a sex-starved whale at the head of the table.
"The movie sir..." he says shakily.” Why don't we make a sequel? The actors won't turn their back on the movie that 'made' them, plus everybody loves the original. All we have to do is pour money in and we will all be rich... guaranteed"
"Bugger that!" says the mass of skin and hair. "Let’s make it a fucking Trilogy!"
'He does know best, as he is the boss.' thinks the young man. 'Despite the fact that all the good ideas were used up in the original.'
"Damn good work, Jenkins" screams the whale, "now lets all go for lunch, go to a strip club and then home to the internet to download inappropriate pictures of children"
And with that, all reservations Jenkins had about his idea sank into the void. Lest we all forget "The Matrix" and her illegitimate children.
With my fantasies of fat hairy men aside, Die Hard is without a doubt the pinnacle of action film achievement. Even the name itself screams action. It’s a title that jumps out of the screen, grabs you by the ol' flesh balloon and repeatedly twists for an hour and a half. A title with all the subtlety of running through the London underground with wires sticking out of your shirt. I can honestly say, after watching Die-Hard for the first time... part of my body was part of the title.
Just read the promo aloud in your best gravelly American movie voice:
Bruce Willis, plucked from obscurity whilst performing in a b-list Spanish soap opera, is thrust into a building with a ridiculas number of floors to meet his over successful wife (who has defiantly hired a gardener). Little does he know that German terrorists, who insist on speaking English, have other plans...
"Five star genius" says The Sunday Times
"A Roller coaster of excitement" raves Empire magazine
And "I fcuknig lvoe taht mvoie" slurs The Daily Star
As movie merchandise goes there is two pieces of kit that I really love. First of all...
The Lego version of 3 of the most important characters. Pretty cool. When everybody is fighting with the Lego pirates and spacemen that are overly camp, you could be running around blowing up these homosexuals with Hans Gruber & Co, or the legend that is John McLane.
The next piece of kit, which happens to be my favourite, is this Die Hard wrist band... Just like the Lance Armstrong bands except not one penny goes to charity! Damn that’s the kind of deal I love. In your face, Cancer.
This movie has it all. I prepared a checklist to prove it.
1)Sex... You see 1 breast, and McLanes wife isn't bad looking in a 70's kinda way
2) Computer hacking.... Theo breaks into the vault
3) Discrimination... Holly changes her name to work in a Japanese company
4) Equality... The black man can either be a master criminal, or a savvy police officer
5)Argyle... A sassy black limo driver named after a sock
6)Guns... And lots of them
7)Explosions...Need I go on?
No I don't think so
Iron Fist
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