First of all I’d like to tackle the Issue of woman watching porn. It’s not really an issue. Woman don't watch porn for enjoyment. They watch it with their men, and enjoy it with them, but they don't whip out a copy of 'donkey boys 3' when their bored and start giving themselves a damn good seeing to. It’s a myth. Woman watch porn for research, to see how certain things are done and to find out about new things.
Really, how many of us own the 'kama Sutra' or 'the joy of sex'? You would think that something as fun and important as sex, which is a pretty big part of your life, that you would at least buy a manual instead of arrogantly trying to work it all out by yourself. People have D.I.Y manuals all over the house, books on tropical fish or physics and maths in my case, but not a book that could make you a legend with the local girls and give yourself hours more pleasure... Madness.
I once dated a girl who said that if she were to watch porn, then it would be guy on guy porn. I respected that. To stand up and say 'I'm a girl, so more cock on display the better' is worthy of respect. It makes sense in a weird way. Straight porn, as it is now, is made by guys, for guys. If I see as little of the guy as possible, then that’s just great. But as usual being incredibly picky I am not such a fan of girl on girl porn. The guy has to be there. Call it repressed homosexuality if you will, but I enjoy the conventional sex scene. 1 man, 2 women.
The problem is that since the 'porno explosion' caused by deepthroat in the 70's, porn has been ushered back into the shadows. Frowned upon by feminists and religious groups it has been censored and demonised. Suddenly all that’s wrong with the world is because of porn. Murder and rape are products of the evil porno empire. A shocking statistic brought to my attention is that 94% of the men who go out and commit violent sexual assault have watched porn. I'm shocked that 6% of the buggers managed to hide it so well. What about a man who plays with model railways who steals and crashes a train full of people? Well I guess they'll have to ban that too when someone fires inaccurate and bias statistics at the government, saying that 3% of all model railway enthusiasts steal trains and kill people.
Hell, lets share out the casualties...
"Model Railway Geeks have a 54% chance of killing someone" Source: Craig Monthly
So its decided that Model railways are now no longer allowed to resemble real trains, and Porn films must start with a 10 minute conversation on how the girl performing is part of a porno union and is in no way being forced or coerced into making this feature, but is doing it for the love sexual intercourse and freedom of expression. With a small section inside the DVD cover on how she loved making this film, would happily work with the actors again, and in no way feels degraded by the sexual acts she performed on camera.
So its all very well saying there is a problem, every moron does that. What makes me exceptional is that I try to think of solutions.
Storylines:
First of all, the storylines need work. The studio doesn't sort through mountains of scripts from promising young writers and seasoned professionals to find the script that will work best. The director doesn’t work with the writer to both share their creative vision of how this will be the film that will move the genre forward. The writer is a man who writes down 3 places where he would like to have sex on the back of a beer mat, then loosely strings together a story that improbably visits all three locations.
"mmm, so accidental time travel will take us back to do the Egyptian scenes, a U.F.O will abduct us to do the techno bondage scenes before depositing us in the jungle where we do the 'I'm slightly scared, and the only thing that will make me forget our impending doom of being lost forever is to get naked and be taken roughly in the foliage.' (see what I did there) scene"
Direction:
Just now the writer is also the director. He basically stands at the side and shouts "I'm bored, change positions". What the industry needs is for already established directors to be encouraged to make porn films. Imagine watching a porno directed by Steven Spielberg. Think of the production values. I'm excited already.
They could take the boob fest that is a Shannon tweed film, combine it with the porn of today to come up with a film that is as good as "The Specialist"... but with penetration.
Stars:
With the famous directors making their way to porn, it would only be a matter of time before famous actors and actresses tried their hand at porn. When sex is totally integrated into society it would just be another role for them. Who wouldn’t want to go see their favourite actress get filled? Also, it will get rid of all the porn stars who can't act. If I’m not convinced that the fridge is broken, or that he is a real repair man, then I will demand my money back.
Porn is still waiting for its first exclusive couple. A couple who you know both the man and the woman. The Posh and Becks of porn.
Continuity:
While watching porn the other day, surprisingly an Eva Angelina porno with a semblance of a good plot, the office manager takes off her shirt to play with her exposed breasts. After she gives him a good blow, she stands up to perform a strip-tease. Suddenly, with the subtlety of a Paul Daniels kids show, a bra magically appears on her under her shirt... I'm no memory man, but I’m quite sure he was just pulling on her tits like he was milking a cow...
Also, loosely relating to continuity is my pet hate. Why is there so many pornos depicting the girl to be a schoolgirl. Watch any Japanese porn for an example of this, but also a lot of porn here. I can accept that it is a fantasy making up for all the sex you never had in school, when you were perhaps at your horniest... but it’s a little sick.
The stereotype of this fantasy is a girl in a tartan miniskirt, tight white shirt that only buttons up to the middle and white cotton socks.
After watching this surprisingly talented girl take to 'his dominant ways', he lifts the skirt to discover she has a pierced clit. Can you even have that done when you're "Barely Legal"?
If I wanted to live out my school fantasies I would get a hold of the real school uniform. Grey blazer, ankle length skirt. Damn that’s hot.
SICK! SICK! SICK!
Note: For all the guys... Never ever get your girlfriend to pose for you in school uniform if 1) it was her actual school uniform and 2) if she is still at school (age 17/18)
Only after porn is accepted into the mainstream and all these things come true, will home made porn find its rightful place... In the bargain section of the pound shop next to all the student art projects and DVD classics of films no-one watched in the 1960's
Iron Fist
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