Disabled… The Toilet of Champions

I'm a lazy man of convenience. I can admit it. I don't believe in doing things the hard way. If there is an easy way of doing things, that’s what I’ll be doing. Which is probably why I found myself in the disabled toilets in uni, 'cause damn those disabled people have it easy. Everything’s convenient, which is why I use their parking spaces, and why I was using their toilet.

 What I don't get though, is why disabled toilets have toilet seats... As far as I can tell, that small lid is for men to lift so they don't pee all over the seat. Never works, but it's a good idea. I can understand why they have toilet seats in woman’s toilets, as its stupid not to use the same toilets, when buying in bulk is cheaper. But all the disabled I’ve looked at have thicker bases because the people have to wrestle themselves onto the seat, an ordinary toilet may not withstand the strain. There are only two ways I can think of for disabled people to do their "Business" that would require the seat to be up:

 One involves you peeing all over yourself, and the other is just silly, but it made me laugh.

 You may argue that the seat is there for all people to use that toilet, but since I raised this argument, I obviously disagree. Every time I use the disabled toilet, people frown and disapprove, and all I can do is look at them and say "Come-on... It's not like there was a queue". Also, If they designed all toilets like that, there would be a urinal in the ladies room, and even though I don't spend much time in the ladies room, I'm pretty sure there isn't.

 What really struck me about the disabled toilets is how clean they were. Without guys peeing all over the floor, and people drawing obscene yet hilarious images all over the walls, it's a hellova lot cleaner. Also, because of the wheelchairs turning circle, the toilet room is huge. I may just have low standards, but it’s like shitting in luxury. All I need is a small African man to hand me warm towels and not expect any money for it to be perfect.

 Since the cubicles are bigger, it's probably the only place for really fat people to "drop a number" (an expression I'm pioneering at this very moment). Does that mean really fat people are also disabled since they also can't do all the things able bodied people can do. Is being fat a disability? Should they get a disabled badge? No... They should get a fat badge, which means they can only park in the car parking spaces that are miles away from the shops, escalators are also forbidden… and fried goods, but that’s fairly obvious.

 I always imagined the woman’s toilet to be far cleaner than the men’s. In night clubs, all men need is a bucket to pee in, where as woman need to sit down. So what I imagined was the men’s toilet being a shit hole, like it is, and the woman’s toilet to be clean, white, tiled and graffiti free. When in reality, the toilets are in exactly the same condition but with slightly less piss on the floor.

Since we all spend so much time on the toilet, I thought I’d take the time to describe how toilets should be. I think you'll agree when you read these statistics I made up...

 "The average adult will spend 1/20th of their life on the toilet"

Source:  Iron Fist Monthly

 "The average woman will spend 1/3 of her life getting ready, 1/3 of her life sleeping and 1/4 of her life being bitchy and intolerable while blaming the hormones"

Source:   The Raging Horse Newsletter

 1) Loud Music in Toilets

This is the most important point, which should, nay, must be implemented. I demand music in toilets. Far too many times have I sat on the toilet just about to drop a number, when suddenly a man in the cubicle next door farts, followed by a disgusting plopping sound and a massive sigh of relief? I mean, how the hell am I supposed to follow an act like that!! I don't care what kind of music it is, just as long as I can't hear "Joe Plopsalot" in the next cubicle.

 2) Bigger cubicles

I think I exhausted this point above.

 3) No African man

This is not a ban on all African men using the facilities. Far from it. It's a ban on the men who stand by the sinks with rows of aftershave bottles. The people, who turn on the water for you, pump the soap for you then hand you paper towels whilst blocking the electric hand dryer. I never asked you to do that, and I'm not giving you any money. Damn I hate the small twinge of guilt as he does all the things mentioned above, then I walk past him without giving him money.

 I shall finish this article with a quote from the film "American History X"...

 "Always finish with a quote... someone has already said it best, so if you can't top them, use their quote and go out strong"


Iron Fist