A Few things I learned while I was a student

With many boys and girls heading off to uni for the first time, some look to the internet for advice on one of the most important changes in their life so far. This is where the B-Team can help. With these handy tips you will find yourself being the most popular person in the uni since ghandi.

 1) Cleaning the toilet - a student should never have to clean the toilet other than on the day you move out so that you can stand a slim chance to get your deposit back. Usually you won’t get your deposit back, hence the toilet never being cleaned. If by some slim chance the queen comes out to visit to tell you to stop convincing Harry to dress like a Nazi, all unsightly deposits can be removed by directing a stream of urine in the appropriate direction.



 2) Washing your clothes - Clothes go crunchy when left drying too long... a valuable little lesson I never knew as a student. No amount of fabric softener can solve this problem. So unless you enjoy walking round wearing solid chafing underwear I recommend taking it down and throwing it in a cupboard. If all you need is a few more days wear then you can use the patented iron fist technique... hanging it in a small cupboard and spraying it with enough deodorant to choke a rhino. If it’s been in the basket too long, try softening it up with a meat tenderizer.

 3) Food preparation - All food can be cooked in the microwave. Except lasagne, which is the best kind of food available. Every lasagne, regardless of size must be eaten in one sitting, even if you have intentions of eating it all through the week. For the rest of the week you can eat like a king on asda's own brand beans and sausages.

 4) Social Situations - If you want to relate to some random guy in any kind of social situation there is only one sure fire way to get a conversation going. "I was watching Die Hard last night...". The rest just falls into place once you have that in common. Talking to random girls is one I never mastered.

 5) Dancing - Years ago I thought I could dance... I never practiced or anything, but I was pretty sure I could dance. Now I realize that jumping around with 2 or 3 bottles in your hands and nodding your head in time with the music isn’t dancing. I have all the grace of someone with 2 wooden legs being constantly electrocuted and only the lack of soiling yourself allows the public to tell the difference. Another fun fact is that when a woman grinds up against your leg in a serious display of dirty dancing, she is actually interested, and that your friends will never let you forget a mistake like that...

Conclusion: dancing is for gay men and foreign people.

6) Studying - Weird that is took so long to get to this one, since its all in the title, but studying is a very small part of your first year. Most of it is taken up by drinking and trying to comfort (read - seduce) girls who are away from home for the first time.

 7) Drinking - While you may have a favourite drink when you leave home for the first time, and are used to only the finest brand name spirits, you eventually have to drink to suit your budget. This means looking for the beer with the highest strength and lowest cost. All white label "supermarkets own brand" should try to be avoided till the end of the year. Then it’s a tough choice between that and tractor diesel.

 8) Attracting the opposite sex - As briefly mentioned in point 6, woman are very easy to get in the first few weeks of uni... They are let loose for maybe the first time. They are drunk and crazy, dancing on the tables and copping off with any guy that shows them attention. If you play your cards right, you could be that drunken mistake their friends never let them forget.

 9) Accommodation - Student beds are made tiny. I guess it must be to discourage you from bringing guests back to your room. By guests, I mean random girls. Even though the beds are about half the size of a normal bed, your girlfriend will try to move in with you. Just wait... it happens to almost every guy who decides to stay with a girl more than a night.

 10) Irony – This advice comes in 10’s and ironically this won’t be the dress size of any girl you pull. You will be hammered most nights for the first month so you will end up with some fatties. Practice getting rid of them by going down to the beach and pushing whales back into the water.

 She’s there for the whole year… If only you had taken my advice

With these tips you can’t fail to have a productive 3 years. Maybe 4. Or however long it takes to pass your degree after finally starting to study. On a down note, the student loans people will rape you once you start work.



Iron Fist