Amidst the hustle of the hawkers and traders found along Pickle Wharf walks young Taverns. Clutched tightly in his left hand is an acceptance letter from the captain of the Harry Bever, Iron Fist, granting him his first berth on the great green. In his right hand he bears his lucky ‘Bloodsport Hedgehog’ trading card, depicting the Godfather of hedgehog fighters, ‘Bare-knuckle Bobo’.
Taverns could barely contain his joy at being selected aboard the ‘Harry Bever’ and had memorised his acceptance letter after countless readings (Three times. Although, he stopped mid way through the second reading to masturbate furiously to the image of Captain Iron Fists daughter, who would also be aboard ship…).
Dearest Taverns,
Iron Fist here. I must say that I am highly impressed by the content of your application. It is not often that I write personally to the applicants in regard to a berth aboard the ‘Harry Bever’, so take this letter as my utmost confidence in you.
I believe your experience around the poorer districts of Caster will be beneficial on or next voyage….and we could always use a good cut-purse technician anyhow! Whereas I must confess it is unusual for one of your caliber to be granted a position amongst the crew, I am offering you the chance to sail with us.
Now, I believe you will be overly excited (an annoying habit of the young), so I implore you not to go and spend all of your money on alcohol and prostitutes. If you are found to have done so, this offer will be withdrawn. If there is one rule aboard my ship (in fact there are several listed below) it is that no crew member is partake in such hobbies as employed in Liverspain!
Below is a list of the required articles you must bring aboard with you and the standard rules employed whilst on deck;
Required Articles
A sword of your choice (Rapiers are favoured by the crew)
3 x pantaloons
3 x tunics
All of your ‘skittles’
7 packets of Jelly Babies
The standard sea-farers equipment pack
A topless picture of Liv Tyler
Rules
No alcohol or prostitutes
No soiling your bunk
No ‘sharing’ bunks with other crew
No spinning on one leg whilst on deck
No entering my cabin when I go for time to myself (The noises you may hear is explainable by my love of table tennis)
Signed
Iron Fist
Captain of the ‘Harry Bever’
Lord of the Emu Helmet Brigade
Strategist of the great smartie heist
p.s. please find enclosed a picture of me wearing ladies clothes and touching myself to test your ‘sea-legs’
So happy was Taverns that he skipped along the wharf barely feeling the weight of his traveling chest dragging behind him. Inside his pocket lay the last of the items required before he could board ship, the picture of Liv Tyler topless.
Two weeks of toil it had taken to gain this most coveted of prizes. Yet, it was worth it! After several attempts to surprise her in the shower, he was nearly ready to give up on his dream of setting sail on the great green until in desperation he had merely asked for “a quick snap of her knorks” and she had obliged.
Now, standing before the boarding ramp of the Harry Bever, Taverns was finally ready to embark on the dream he had nurtured for so long…
Join us next week for another installment of action, romance, drama, bollocks, badger infested Columbians…..
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