Your CV is a vital document that summarises the majesty of your existence to a potential employer. You must grab your potential employer’s attention with your sheer, overpowering greatness, or your CV will end up in the circular filing system under their desk (also known as a bin). Write a boring CV and you might as well sprint down now and join the other worthless sociology graduates behind the McDonalds, fighting for the choicest Big Mac wrapper to devour.
To grab an employer's eye you must create the written equivalent of a war chant! Print your resume on fluorescent pink paper, so it leaps out of the pile already sitting on their desk. Experiment with dashing fonts, and use as many of them as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no PE student!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual aftershave on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure to staple several of your best 8x10 glossy pictures from your brief stint at modeling on top.
Now that you've achieved the necessary visceral "oomph", it's time to polish the contents to a fine glow (like a Womble’s shaved never-region) bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a literary ninja can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how poor and un-interesting, into a saleable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best "spin" on a student’s skills:
"I worked in McDonalds making burgers for 3 weeks."
A mere burger maker? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Coordinator", or even a "Culinary Technician".
"I did my cousins paper route one weekend."
Ah, excellent! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
"I spent the last 3 years sitting on a couch eating baked beans and sanding down the acrylic paint on a guitar, filling the room with poisonous dust."
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Musical Studies."
"I worked in a call centre."
Thank you Raji. Now please fuck off and die…
"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine."
Fantastic! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work!
Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your CV, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:
1) Excellence (It turns an employer to putty in your hands!!!)
2) Goal-oriented
3) Forward-thinking
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Ambitious (everyone likes ambition!)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
Chapter 2 - The Interview
Now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you've got to make yourself stand out from the crowd! First, consider your clothing carefully. Gold velvet trousers will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice piano or penis tie (available in all good novelty shops). Make these articles the highlight of your wardrobe. Next, practice your handshake, and consider adding a little thumb maneuver or a high- five. Remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the toilet.
Now it’s time to jump in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here are some suggestions for opening lines:
"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive explosive device from just your tie, that pen, and a bottle of anti-freeze."
"I don’t know if you can tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I need to take my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me fly their Starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, Nigel, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you don’t hire me, you will burst into flame!"
Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of time to expand upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps rub some glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!"
Conclude the interview as memorably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a shiny 10p in the closing handshake while saying "Guess the Queen and I have this job wrapped up, yeah? (Always add a ‘wink, wink’)" And don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity, whilst reversing the call charges.
Fixer Jenkins
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