Religion... The Greatest Comic Ever Written

I hate organised religion... I can't stand it. I do not want to let Jesus into my life. Why would people knock on my door with the very noble intention of trying to save my soul from eternal damnation in hell? Why would I go to my local church for a ‘Faith Lift’? Why would I want to go to a rock concert with no drugs, no drink and no bad language of any kind!!!

After listening to Christian hip hop I came to the conclusion that I will never do it again. With lyrics like "Don't treat woman like objects you fool" you can see why. That is not what hip hop is about! Women are objects, and I’ll treat them as such. Fool!




I have lived in a Christian society for a while now, but I’m very sceptical of Christianity altogether. Although I’m not too keen on any of the other religions floating about. Muslims and Arabs are getting a bad reputation just now for being extremists and suicide bombers which is a lie... it’s only a high percentage. So for this example I will choose Christianity. But which flavour? Protestant or Catholic? Mmmm.... who cares?

 Christianity has, without doubt, the most violent and disturbing past. From the Spanish inquisition, to many other deaths and crimes in the name of god. Galileo was put under house arrest after theorising that the sun was the centre of the solar system against the church's view. Leonardo DaVinci was ousted for dissecting the dead to learn anatomy. So when they found his banned research...they had already rediscovered it. It's responsible for the dark ages and even the wars of today can be motivated by it. An American general said that they invaded because their religion was wrong. He didn’t even get sacked or punished for it. Unbelievable, in a time when people are supposed to be tolerant of all people. The church must be gutted that they can’t burn people anymore for no reason. (Or even with a reason)

   Americans go wild for god. They have churches the size of hockey stadiums with evangelist priests saving people and entertaining them right in the middle. M.c. Hammer, the legend, is now an evangelist priest, raising money for god. This was a man so cool in his day that he even had his own cartoon where he wore magical talking shoes. Hammer man! Hammer, Hammer man, Hammer! We all cried in unison. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

 Things were different back then… Look at the picture. Big specs and leopard skin and he’s still cool

 So as a 10 minute convert I have drawn up a list of questions...

 1) Who do you pray to? I see many people praying to Jesus or god for... many things really... so who should I pray to? I could pray to Jesus as he would have more time to get things done as earth is his domain... except Jesus has no real powers. He probably makes a list and pre approves them with god. So then should I pray to god since he is the head of the corporation, so he has the power to grant my prayers directly? Except he is busy filling in for he-man and friends by being master of the universe....

Maybe it’s about time Jesus stepped up and took over the family business

2) How do I know that he even exists? The long and short of it seems to be that you don’t know. If god is everywhere and Jesus loves us all, then why is the pope any closer to god than I am? It seems to me that religion is just a way for a man to achieve power over other people, or for important decisions to be made by someone else so that the average man isn't burdened by that inconvenience called ‘free will.’

"Do what I say without question!"

"Never, I refuse to blindly submit"

"Well then you shall be cast out of the church and will burn in the fires of hell for all eternity with no chance of parole"

"Very well... I shall do your bidding because I am scared"

 3) If I repent just before I die, and let Jesus into my life in my final few seconds of life, will I still go to heaven?  Yes! Bonus, I can do what I like until then... In your face god. How’s that for a loophole. To think people waste their time with god just now.

God really is a cock. You have only one life before you have to serve him for all eternity. That’s a bloody long time! You would think that he would give us a measly hundred years to ourselves for us to enjoy before we become his slaves. A Generous and compassionate lord indeed.

Now I have seen cartoons of Jesus before, and they always involve some sort of moral crusade and for some reason, fish. Why fish? So to improve the standing of Christianity I have decided to pitch a premise for a god related cartoon that doesn’t involve fish and doesn’t suck. A premise so great that all geeky comic book fans will instantly ejaculate into their semen stained Y-fronts.

God, existing only in heaven and unable to have a physical presence on earth, needs to sort out his affairs on earth so he creates a half human, half god hybrid (using half his powers) that can exist on earth and do his bidding. This man is his son and does many great things in his name but in a bizarre twist he takes all of humanities sins unto himself against the will of his father. By taking on these sins Jesus becomes so sinful he cannot get into heaven so he creates his own domain... hell!

(Hell replaces purgatory as a place for the sinful to reside)

So now Jesus, the son that was snubbed by his own father stays in hell getting stronger off the sins and prayers of the people on earth until he is ready to ascend and conquer heaven to take his rightful place as lord of all. Since prayers and sins are what give each side power Jesus and god must not destroy the humans, rather culture them to support one side or the other. More people that are evil on earth mean more prayers for Jesus and also a greater army. More prayers for god means more angels will come down to fight Jesus on earth and stop him getting into heaven. Since Jesus can exist on earth, his side is the stronger and quickly claims the middle land between heaven and hell. But while good remains in the hearts of the survivor’s wars are still fought in this wasteland once called earth. Thus introducing our protagonist Jeff 'the phoenix' Jones, who leads a crack squad of survivors against the armies of the living that serve Jesus. While demons and angels help and hinder them along the way. (Mostly by spouting crap like "evil begets more evil" and "Go on... it'll be a laugh") The Angels and Demons are involved in a war all around them hacking and slashing each other into nothing.

 Now some people may say that this bears a passing resemblance to the Constantine movie and comic... but ever since Keanu Reeves got near the project I can say with great authority that he has killed it. Dead.

 So many people will be pissed when they realise that when praying to Jesus they have really been praying to the devil...

"All hail Jesus... Lord of the underworld"

Iron Fist