Recently I have had the unfortunate experience of yet another break-up that wasn't my fault. Oh how I missed hearing the standard "It just happened" and the never old "I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing". The Joy I felt upon welcoming these old friends back into my life was indescribable.
Hell, I've been drunk many times. So drunk I slept on the street near my door cause I couldn't find it, and I have never cheated...Maybe that’s why I live alone in my castle of solitude.
One good point is that I really enjoyed the stream of scalding text messages explaining that she was hurt that she can be replaced so easily. You really have to love the logic that goes on in a girl’s head that somehow leads to the connection that even if she cheated on you, you cannot possibly go out with another girl within a short time of dumping her sorry ass. Silly Rabbit.
There are five main stages to any good break-up which I will detail here.
1) Misery, Disbelief and loss of appetite
2) Acceptance... This is where your friends take you to the strippers
3) Alone time... Happy and not really looking
4) With another girl ready to follow the same pattern of self destruction in the pursuit of happiness
5) Happy to see ex with another man... A mythical stage not many of us mere mortals reach.
Maybe it's because I keep going for girls that are younger than me? I can't say I enjoy going out with a girl that thinks she is a pagan yet knows noting about pagan beliefs or history. (Hey, just like Christians.) Or even worse, a girl who thinks she is a which. A white witch to be precise. Wickah.
For those not in the know this is a form of 'good' witchcraft with spells that cannot be cast in a particular way with no measurable effects. For example, you cannot cast a spell for your own happiness, but instead you can cast a spell for general world happiness in the vain hope that somehow this will make you happier. It’s a market much like astrology that has been created from a variety of ancient beliefs and superstitions to prey upon the insecurities of unpopular and ugly girls.
"I have an idea, let’s crack out the Quiji Board and contact your dead grandmother to ask her to spell the name of your one true love which ironically, being that you have barely lived your life or met all the people you will ever meet, happens to be at your school!!"
"Wow, it’s the boy you fancy at this one particular moment... What were the chances of that?"
One particular pagan custom is a superstitious love spell being that if you smear menstrual blood on the door handle of your chosen mans house he will fall in love with you. Mmm, nice. If he wasn't interested before then he will definitely come round to your way of thinking after he catches you smearing your 'jam rag' (with wings) on the handle of his door.
Logic escapes girls. Is it any wonder men cannot understand them.
If you really want to piss girls off, Or if you are bored one night and you feel like making them cry just to entertain you..... Then call them naive, or immature. This works best with the younger ones. A quick slip of the tongue and suddenly they are in tears. One minute they are an adult in an adult relationship then BAM, just a little girl crying on the floor. Hours of fun.
Much like the time when the girls had an extended sex education lecture about your body, after the boys were asked to leave. Then came out half an hour later looking sheepish with a 'goodie bag' the boys never received, filled with mysterious cotton goodies (again with wings)... I have a few questions that will only be answered when I’m older.
1) How long into the pregnancy can you still have sex? I don’t really want to be stabbing my child (hopefully my child) in the face with my pork sword
2) How long after giving birth can you resume having sex? After giving birth I don't suppose that the woman will feel particularly sexy with sagging breasts and stretchy skin, but hell a man has needs!
3) After stretching the vagina all that way does it ever go back to the way it was? Or will I be doomed to shag a bucket shaped vagina forever with my penis barely touching the sides.
4) If you do have sex after she has given birth, what’s the etiquette on breast milk? If you play with the nipples and they are squirting milk around like an open vein is it ok to lick up the milk or even drink it from source? Or is sucking milk from your girlfriend’s breast a lot like inviting a Greek tragedy?
5) Is it bad manners to insist on a paternity DNA test after the child has been born? If I ever had a nagging doubt that the child isn't mine this is the way to sort that. Even better would be to do the test without her. You don’t want to create an argument. Hopefully I can make friends with a chemist long before I ever have a child.
6) Is it OK to have sex during the period? For this question I asked my friends... It seems some girls will although it’s best to put down a towel. And never go down on them unless you enjoy looking like a lion that has just killed an antelope on the dusty planes.
7) Is it best to reassure a girl of her talents and sexiness, or to emotionally cripple her? A difficult question really.
If you build up their self esteem then they may get an over inflated sense of themselves thus causing them to exaggerate their worth and perhaps cheat. If you emotionally cripple her she will be to unsure of herself and her ability to ever find love again thus keeping her faithful, yet leaving you with an empty shell of a girlfriend, who if broken up with will probably kill herself.
For number six I call it the bad week and usually plan any 'lad’s night out' or trips away to coincide with it. And in that week if I go home to find there is no menstrual blood on my door handle then Dammit, she ain’t trying hard enough to keep the status quo. It’s really the inconvenience of going round to demand what she's been doing with the stuff.
Nice to feel appreciated.
Also I know most of these questions are about pregnancy, but it really is the last of the frontier countries.
So once again I begin my quest to find a good woman with a great rack, a fine ass and an intelligence that puts her between a retarded eleven year old and the average household canine.
Until then I have managed to find a frozen turkey with what looks enough like a vagina to keep me occupied for the next few weeks.
Tally Ho Chaps
Iron Fist
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