Friday 6 September 2013

B-Team Training… The art of disguise.

 This week the B-team training centre has torn itself away from badger breading to focus on a much more serious issue when working undercover. That being the art of disguise. B-team candidates are now required to pass an exam, this includes naming and finding a use for 54 varieties (coincidently written by raging horse while consuming the best part of 15 cans of Heinz soup) of novelty wigs bought by iron fist while under the influence of Mr. Heinekens finest!


During this test B-Team candidates successfully created fool proof disguises with only the use of a Charlton Heston toupee, Ghandie sandals and Dennis Taylor Glasses (Sponsored by Specsavers). Iron fist failed the test due his insistence that a wig can be used to get a trusty badger through customs and excise. The said badger named Cedric for the purpose of this task surprised everyone by making it through most of the security checks until he pounced on a nearby onlooker eating mash potato. Cedric has since been confiscated (we can confirm that no harm has come to Cedric and he is now living in Somerset herding cattle and smoking a pipe-insanely human characteristics-well done to raging horse for our first fully trained farmer badger). We would like to thank everyone involved in the free Cedric campaign!!

 B-Team escape experts can confirm that Cedric has been freed, due to a fool proof plan by B-Team Escapologists. Cakes with knives and files in were sent to Cedric in the hope that the little fellow would then be able to flee to freedom, unfortunately after consuming fifteen cakes and the best part of a whole drawer of B-Team cutlery, Cedric was rushed to the nearest Vet. Hoooorrrrrraaaaayyyyyy FFFFFFRRRREEEEEEDDDDOOOOMMM!!!!!!!!



 Raging Horse also passed the task, using a big ginger beard as false chest hair and a straggly strawberry blond ginger spice replica. Using this fool proof disguised raging horse successfully completed his mission of blending in with a bunch of Scottish and Irish tourists.

 B-Team officials are still trying to negotiate with Scottish and Irish Officials for the release of Raging Horse after he was proved to be wearing underwear under his kilt- a sure giveaway for a foreigner!!!! Especially with the addition of a St George on his right buttock. So far an agreement has been made for ten thousand gallons of BuckFast to be transferred over the Scottish border free of charge.

 Iron fist also managed to bypass customs by dressing up as a woman using clothes stolen from a local theater and following a large group of woman all wearing similar outfits. After avoiding security Iron Fist found himself herded onto a plane to Thailand where he spent 2 months under the brutal regime of a popular burlesque show before being shipped back to Bangkok as he “just didn’t have any pride in his appearance and was possibly the worst ladyboy they have ever worked with.”

Thailand have since deposited Iron Fist back into England since he was giving the country a bad name.

 
 A success if ever you've heard it- three disguises attempted, three captured and one hospitalized! B-Team boffins are now considering a career change in to fancy dress costumes. Watch this space ………………

No comments:

Post a Comment